omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
