My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
