Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
