Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wish my penis had a tongue
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
