When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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