I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
