There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
