U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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