I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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