I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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