Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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