I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
