she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
