the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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