I heard we made out
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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