bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
