Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this boner is exhausting
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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