he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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