Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
