I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize