i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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