I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
