I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
