at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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