I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
