The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
