I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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