We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
