Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
