we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
