I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
