It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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