I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
