plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well you can't waste a boner
you traded sex for a burrito?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
