just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
