last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
