Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
