Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
