Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
