Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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