two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
