just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
