im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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