I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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