remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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