The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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