Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
