I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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