In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
