I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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