That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
