I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
