I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
