I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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