Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
