I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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