So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize