Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
