can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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