im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
