If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
