3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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