i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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